A year and 4 months. That is how long it has been since I've written a blog post... A lot can happen in a year and 4 months, and oh it sure has. I have been wanting to write this post for so so long and I didn't because I thought, "I will once I can think of the perfect things to say, or when my testimony is back to what it once was, or I'm a little better of a person." Which all of those things sound pathetic now that I'm typing them up... But the truth is: I am not perfect. I never have been and never will be. (At least not in this life, which we all know:) The purpose of this post I guess is to share some of my thoughts, feelings, realizations/experiences that have happened in the time I've been away. I'm not sure how personal or deep I will get, but my hope is that maybe I can help just one person not feel alone and be able to relate... Even if no one reads this, it's fine haha I will be able to come back and reflect on who I was and who I want to become. (Quick side note: I encourage you to do the same by starting a journal or write in a notepad or something, it has helped me a ton!!) Bear with me as I might be all over the place and I will probably get off topic lol! So throughout the past year I've come back to my blog and have reread many of my blog posts and at first it made me really sad... My testimony was just super strong all throughout middle school and high school. I mean like rock solid for the most part. I knew who I was and WHOSE I was. I knew that I had a Heavenly Father and Savior who loved me. I went to church, I LOVED going & looked forward to it every week. I read my scriptures (give or take a few nights missed, ya know) Prayer was my go-to. It was my lifeline. I prayed constantly, I felt I had a really strong relationship with my Father in Heaven. I just always thought, "I couldn't ever see myself losing my way and falling off the straight and narrow. Like no way! that is not me!" Yet, I did... Now I didn't make huge, life altering bad decisions, I just really became someone who I didn't like and I eventually lost who I was.. After graduating high school I felt truly lost. I have moved twice in the past year and several months, and during that time I went through some rough personal and family trials. I turned very bitter because of my life circumstances I was dealing with. I turned away from what I so strongly believed and felt. I didn't go to church for 7 months. I felt I didn't belong or fit in there. I quit reading my scriptures, I seldom prayed. I became a very miserable and negative person. My immediate family even noticed the change in me. They tried to talk to me and ask why I hadn't wanted to go to church, they cared, they wanted to be there for me and I pushed them away. I pushed everything away. The adversary got a strong grip on me and I hated it, but I didn't know how to break free... I'm a pretty reserved person and am totally not one to express my emotions, even when asked. However, I'm learning and I'm getting better at it.. (Hence, I'm writing this post! Haha!) Anyways, I don't share all this for anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I'm sharing this because I hope someone will be able to relate and not feel so alone. That is what I felt. I felt that I was the only one struggling with this and I felt ashamed that I had changed so much from my former self who was incredibly strong and faithful. I didn't want to pray, I felt that Heavenly Father loved me less because of my falling away. But of course that is not true and never will be true. The stupid adversary can trick you into these lies very easily... Despite all of this and the crap I felt and experienced, I have grown. I have become stronger a little at a time. I am not where I want to be but I hope I can eventually get there.. In the start of the new year 2018, was when my mindset kind of just switched. I started to open up my heart more, I wanted to be happy. I was sick and tired of feeling worthless, negative and miserable. I wrote down a goal to start saying personal prayers and eventually make it back to at least sacrament.. Those things did happen! I am not perfect at them and my testimony is definitely a struggle. However, during all of this the biggest lesson I have learned is that I have self worth. I AM a daughter of God and he does love me despite all of my shortcomings. Dieter F Uchtdorf once said, "You are loved. You are dear to your heavenly parents. The infinite and eternal Creator of light and life KNOWS YOU! He is mindful of you. Yes, God loves you THIS VERY DAY AND ALWAYS. He is not waiting to love you until you have overcome your weaknesses and bad habits. He loves you TODAY with a full understanding of your struggles. He is aware that you reach up to Him in heartfelt and hopeful prayer. He knows of the times you have held onto the fading light and believed—even in the midst of growing darkness. He knows of your sufferings. He knows of your remorse for the times you have fallen short or failed. And still He loves you." This quote right here says it all. Way to go Uchtdorf! He said it better than I ever could. I have many people to thank who loved me despite my poor decisions, lack of faith, and struggling times. First of all, my mother. She is a God sent who I love dearly. She has never quit on family prayer, family home evening, etc. She is one of the strongest individuals I know. She loved me no matter what during this time. We don't always see eye to eye, but I know she is always there for me! Second, my brothers who love me unconditionally. Especially Enrique, we've been 2 peas in a pod ever since we were just little babies. He is my strength and greatest example of Christ like love, charity, and service. Love you homie! Hahah! My grandparents, who are pretty much the best ones out there! Their strength and faith holds our family together for sure! Also my cousins Bri and Mal for being the sisters I never had and for their amazing example of humility, faith, strength, and love. Mal was a big inspiration to me in writing this blog post. She has just recently started her own blog and its 10x better than mine! Lol! Go on over and read it. She is the cutest. (www.dancingonrainydays.weebly.com) To sum all this up, your Father in Heaven loves you. You are worth more than gold. You are beautiful (or handsome if you're a dude ha), you are strong. You are loved. Keep going, keep fighting. I will post some quotes that have inspired and uplifted me at the end. Know that you are not alone, you are loved and the adversary is stupid. Punch him in the face whenever he tries to get you down, and show him who's boss! (Violence ain't the answer but you get my drift..) You're strong and you got this! Much love from me to you. Ness (Y'all know pretty flowers are my fav thing, and the Provo City Center temple is one of my favs so imma just leave this here.) (Me and Mal at her graduation! Here is an excerpt from her blog that is just my fav thing -I know I got a lot of fav things lol- "I think we often (myself included) tend to forget about the present. I also think the adversary plays a big part in constantly reminding us of our past mistakes and future concerns so much so that we hardly make time for the present. There are so many pasts, lasts, endings, conclusions, farewells, goodbyes, etc. There are also futures, first steps, fresh starts, new beginnings, introductions, and hellos, but how about the present? The middle? The in-between? The moment? The now? We can choose to live in the past, or we can spend our days wishing for or fearing the future, but let's not forget the NOW by living, breathing and learning here in the moment-basking in the light of each and everyday because the things we take for granted could be gone in the blink of an eye." Me, Mal, and Bri❤ Me and my silly bros! Grandparents and bro who I mentioned❤ Welp, that's all of some of my favorite pics and people.
I'll officially end with a scripture: "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." -Phillipians 4:13
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Ponderize Of The Week:
"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed." - James 1:5-6 Quote Of The Week:
"Give it to God and go to sleep." - Unknown |